What did i ever see in you?!?

Mon, 19 Feb 2018

Any person that is no longer in an intimate relationship, marriage, or partnership for whatever reason, can relate to this article. It is sad to see the dissolution of some couples that seemed so together. What happened? How can two people that felt such happiness and love for each other when first meeting, can no longer stand the sight of one another. It starts out as liking of what what we see in the other person. An exchanging of words, body language, and eye contact. Slowly coming together with some temerity but taking a chance that there will be a connection. As conversation flows, the two people start to stand closer; leaning towards the other smiling maintaining eye contact. The chemistry is strong, the signals are a full body “yes”, and the two people are really speaking the same language: “I like this person! He/She likes me! Let’s go for it!!!!” Dating, hooking up, and sexual intimacy becomes the priority. Never mind that he looks a little too much at other girls, or that she is annoying as hell when she doesn’t get her way. It would seem we tend to overlook little doubts because they are small enough that we don’t want to address it. We shade our true emotions or our responses so that our partner SEES us in the right light. We agree with or laugh off those moments that are uncomfortable or maybe we are just too afraid to speak up when our new partner says, acts, or does something that would be over the top. Small, insignificant actions because this person is “so great” and seems to “fit” all the right criterias: Good kisser, good in bed, good personality, etc. Compliments, caresses, holding hands, and just looking at each other with a warm smile. You cannot seem to get enough of each other. It is “in love” and “lust” at the same time. Pay attention to the small flags now! How a man treats other women in front of his girlfriend. How the woman checks herself out in windows, mirrors, and making sure that everyone sees her. How the man treats the wait staff or anyone in customer service. How the woman seems to always be whining about the “bitches” at work or supposed “friends”. How he treats his family. How she cannot seem to get her act together. How he cannot hold a job or always problems at work. How she cannot seem to rub two nickels together or is looking for a handout. It might seem insignificant when he calls his ex “crazy”, but pay attention! That means he is going to call you “crazy!” Not taking ownership of your responsibilities, your side of the disagreement, your bills, or family obligations suddenly become BIG deals. Look out for her inability to get along with other women, her less than stellar job history, her fights with co-workers, so-called friends, or family. This is an even BIGGER problem. You might even get blown over from the Red Flags flying! Oh sure: there is always a story and it is a doozy! Abuse of any kind is cruel and yet people tolerate a lot when they think they are in a “good” relationship or stay for their kids. Not every abuser will ever lay a hand on the person but uses blatant control and cutting words instead. Here is the irony: most of the people that go through abusive relationships feel like they are doing a great job “shielding” their children while getting berated and bullied by their partner. Kids see and feel everything! They are like super magnets attracting negative thoughts and feeling in their chaotic, energy draining homes. Most abused partners would NEVER want to see their children experience what they experience but they stay anyway. As time goes on, the children tend to repeat the patterns or worse attract abusive friends or boyfriend/girlfriends. ‘You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice” Bob Marley Leaving a relationship that is abusive sounds easy and should be but…(“fill in the blank” excuses). People stay, endure, don’t see it, or won’t see it. On and on it goes with the no win solution. Fear of being on their own or having no money or how will they live are huge factors for lots of women that have put up with abuse for years. They have no identity if they leave. They haven’t worked outside the home or they are the breadwinner and their kids lives would change completely. Always comes back to the kids. We want to be seen as strong, independent, and vibrant beings. Moving on after a failed relationship makes some people bitter, resentful, and sad. A lot of times exhausted from shouldering more responsibilities while fending off the continuous verbal attacks. It certainly rips the rose colored glasses off the “perfect” guy or gal. Standing up and saying “no”; walking away; finding the center again: that takes courage. It is not selfish! It is self-preservation and strength. If this article speaks to you because you have experienced or know someone that is now experiencing abuse, keep this thought in mind: it is time to be happy again! Knowing that you are waking up with zero anxiety, no fighting or harassing from the bully who is cruelly slashing you up daily! It is great to trust and honor yourself again. Find YOU again! Finding you again also means getting help from a therapist or counselor to vent or release memories and actions that led to low self-esteem and vulnerability that might have started way before the abuser showed up in your life. Let your body and your mind become neutral around men or women that might trigger you. Be free! Free of intimate relationships for at least six months. People so badly want to “be with someone”. They fear being alone but until you know what you really like for yourself, you will just end up in another crappy relationship! TRUE! Go the dinner or movies by yourself. Join MEETUP.COM and get into some groups that travel, meet for dinners, do adventurous things. Find what you like to do. Just be for a while. It all comes down to choices: stay with the abuser and lose your identity, your heart, and your soul; escaping the abuse will free the dynamic person you are meant to be and give wings to your children to know that self-preservation bolsters the power to speak up and move confidently through life. It is NEVER too late to start your life over the way you want it to look. Don’t ever forget it.

Article Categories:  Relationships

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